Where is my John Wayne?
Where is my prairie son?
Where is my happy ending?
Where have all the Cowboys gone?
Where is my Marlboro Man?
Where is my shiny gun?
Where is my lone ranger?
Where have all the cowboys gone?

I guess that I have not accomplished what I started out to do. Being John Wayne, Marlboro Man, Lone Ranger, A Cowboy, or in other words, A Hero. What I thought was right is still wrong, things that appeared to be getting better were just a mirage.

But maybe the game isn’t over yet. I will share a moment from my glory days: A team in our district had big bad ass fullback, behind a big fat ass line. They ran the option. My job as the middle linebacker was to hit the fullback every time, cause with the option, we never knew if he would get the ball or not. Either they were stupid or just didn’t see what was going on, because whenever I hit this guy, or should I say, he hit me, I went flying. And the times he did have the ball, it was a big gain. If they would have just given the ball to him the entire game, they would have won. At halftime I wanted to come out, I was tired of getting my ass kicked. We were leading by 5 or 6 points in the last minutes of the game. They had the ball and was driving for the winning score. Again, all they had to do was keep running over the top of me and they would have won. Then they did something nobody expected. They threw a pass. I, as the middle linebacker turned and sprinted back into my drop, seen the receiver coming across the middle, stepped in front, picked off the pass and headed down the sidelines for an easy touchdown. I didn’t actually make the easy touchdown; their track star tailback caught me, but who cares, the game was over. I was the HERO!!

So maybe my game of life isn’t over either. Maybe I can still pull a game winner out of my ass. Maybe I’ve failed before, maybe nobody believes in me, but guess what? I believe in myself. I know I can win the game, be the Hero, be John Wayne. And like the Lone Ranger, I can do it, even if by myself. (Seems like he had a horse and an indian friend he could trust, but the metaphor works)

I have a vision of what I want to accomplish. I have steps in place to get there, maybe it won’t happen overnight, I know this. I feel better going into this January than I have felt starting off a new year in a long, long time. Maybe its all New Years rhetoric, and people can tune me out like the teacher on Charlie Brown. But right now, I’m going public, I’m going on record, I will Win the game, I will be the Hero. And when I accomplish this and turn to those who doubted me, I will look them in the eyes and say….”thanks for your support”

I can be driving down the road day dreaming about some old movie, and without fail, a few days later that movie will be on HBO. I can think of an old friend and within days he contacts us on Facebook. The list goes on and on. But its a silly list. A list of things that at the end of the day may give someone an A-Ha moment, but doesn’t get me any further down the road. Is this really the Law of Attraction in action? According to the definition it is.

So what about the big things: A successful career, financial stability, peace and happiness? I swear to all that is Holy that I focus on, wish for, work for, and want for these so hard, with much more effort and fervor than any of those silly simple things that just seem to fall, well out of the universe, into my lap.

So why then, according to the Law of Attraction, do these things continue to allude me?

The only conclusion I can come to is that its me. I’m the only common denominator. How can I, with so little effort, attract things into my life, and in other areas, with so much effort, almost drive them away. What am I doing wrong? Are the things I’m asking for so big, in my mind, that my unconscious mind wont let me truly believe I can attain them? Are they so big, that I don’t have the faith I need to follow through? Do I revert back to my insecurities and believe that I don’t deserve them? How about all of the above. These never come into play with the stupid little things, because they don’t matter. On the big things, when it really matters, I’ve got to learn to have the same attitude: “I thought it, therefore it is”. No stupid second guessing. No worrying that something is too big, or unattainable. With this subject, I guess it is all about me.

Rushing to the hospital, waiting for tests, and finally getting diagnoses was an emotional roller coaster. On the way to the hospital, I thought “what will I do without her”? This after all the fights, name calling, discussions and threats of leaving, and even talks with attorneys about divorce. I guess my first thoughts were selfish, about myself being alone. Eventually I began to think of the kids being without their mom, that was an even more fearful thought.

As the evening wore on and test results began to rule out the most serious of possible outcomes, I began to relax and to feel a closeness to her that I hadn’t felt in long time. I didn’t have a moment that I prayed and promised the world to God for her safety. I didn’t look into her eyes and beg for forgiveness of all that has gone on over the last few years. There wasn’t a clap of thunder or a lightening blast, I just looked at her and felt closer to her, connected somehow like we used to be. Maybe because of the stress our relationship has been under, that connection can never be the same, so maybe its a new kind of connection. Hell maybe she doesn’t even feel it herself. I just knew that when I looked at her sitting in her chair at 1:30 am just back from the hospital, that I was looking at her differently.

The next morning, the next day, and through this week, I have felt the same. I want to be with her for a very long time…eternity. And with that in mind, stupid little bullshit fighting over things I cant even remember now just doesn’t seem important. Will we never fight again? I’m sure we will. We are both to strong of people, but maybe now we can resolve rather than try to conquer. Make love not war sounds good to me.

I thank God he didn’t take her from me that night, that the thing that caused us to rush to the hospital is manageable and treatable. I am thankful that my eyes and heart have been opened to see the importance of having a wonderful loving wife by my side.

I am sure people look at me, maybe even this gentleman could be one of them, and say how lucky I am. I know I am blessed to have a wonderful family. I have beautiful children and grandchildren who are healthy and happy and bring me joy and happiness. I have a gorgeous wife who still loves me and supports me. I know I am lucky to have those things in my life, and I am thankful for them, so is it wrong to want more?

I want to be successful, to be lucky in business. I want to not only be these things, I want to expect these things, and have the faith, and knowledge that they will come to me. I want to start a year knowing that my goals will be met rather than feeling guilty and unworthy for even setting them in the first place. I want to meet with clients and surround myself with associates who have the same attitude. I want to have the feeling going into a project that: 1) I expect it to be successful and 2) I expect some good luck along the way. I can only imagine what a wonder feeling that would be. With the help of Sarah, and the support of family and friends, my “Might”, I look forward to achieving just that.

So here is the thing, I needed something different than what I was getting at church. I didn’t want a different church, I didn’t want a different religion, I just needed more/different. Now some would say that it’s my fault, I’m only getting out of it what I’m putting into it. I can accept that argument to a point. In the scriptures, it talks about being hungry and getting fed. However, lets agree to not place blame, lets just agree that week after week my hunger was not being satisfied by what was being served at church.

I consider Santa Fe a spiritual place, I love going there. I enjoy just sitting in a quiet place and taking in the feeling of the area. However, its a 4 1/2 hour drive away. There is a place much closer, that provides, in my mind, a similar vibe, if not as profound. A couple of weeks ago, after feeling very low, very hungry, I decided to go to this place. I felt a little bit of healing would be better than none. Along the way, a sign caught my eye. A sign for a Psychic, a Spiritual Healer, etc. Almost by itself, my truck pulled into the driveway. I set up an appointment for a couple hours later, and left to go sit on a park bench and relax until I could see her.

Some background at this point may be in order. My wife used to go to a  psychic on a regular basis prior to our marriage. In fact, she was engaged when her psychic told her that she was to marry me. Its a long story, not as simple as I just made it sound, but here we are 20 years later. Even after that experience, I still didn’t believe in it, in fact I thought it to be kooky, silly, stupid and even evil. After much grief from me, my wife finally stopped seeing her psychic.

But here I was sitting on a couch with a woman claiming to be a psychic, a spiritual healer.  Now I was hungry, I was looking for something, would she take advantage? After some chit chat, and her piercing eyes looking into my soul. She sat back, and told me my life’s story. I was blown away. But more than that, she said she could help me. I was ecstatic. We talked about what would go on, what was expected, etc. Again, it sound kooky, silly and stupid. However, for the first time in a very long time I felt spiritually fed, so I knew it wasn’t evil. I agreed to follow her instructions, to do what she said. I left with a feeling of hope, of excitement, of newness. It was strange to have these feelings, they were so unfamiliar.

I would consider myself an intelligent person, and until a few days ago, one who could figure things out on his own. So in the words of the jackass himself, Dr Phil, I ask myself “How’s that working for you”? Well my new found spiritual leader, Sarah, says it like this. I let my thoughts and my intelligence get in the way of my feelings, I don’t listen to what my heart is telling me. When I told her about my problem with church and getting spiritually fed, she simply replied “God didn’t turn His back on you, you turned your back on Him”

Alright already enough rambling. Here is my point. Sarah explained it like this: She doesn’t work with voodoo, spells, or any of that kooky, silly crap I was so judgmental about. She said its all about the ENERGY. I have been so caught up in all the negative, depressing things going on in my life, that all I’m attracting is negative and depressing energy. Learn to deal with those things, but then let them go, let the energy go. Focus on the good, look for the good in all things, and good things, good energy, GOOD VIBRATIONS will come my way. And even better, not only can I focus on good energy coming my way, she can send me good energy, my wife can send me good energy, we can all send each other good energy, we can all focus our energy on a common goal.  Now for those Mormon’s still hanging to see if I’ve lost it; When the scriptures say with all your heart, might, mind, and strength, is not the true meaning of MIGHT that which I just described? I believe it is.

Again, I’m not The Beatles, but I told Sarah that I’m putting her on retainer. I want her to be available whenever I call. I even got carried away, I told her I wanted to make her available to my staff at work because I wanted to have my entire office feeling the energy.

P.S. For those who still don’t believe…as soon as I started to write this, Sarah sent me a text to ask how I was doing, said she was thinking about me. You can believe in her or not, I don’t care, but explain that Twilight Zone moment…do do do do, do do do do.

Good to be the KING

A few days ago it was my 42nd birthday.  I have always considered birthday’s a special day, but nothing too spectacular, at least not for me. My wife and I, especially her, have always tried to make the kids’ birthday’s a very special day for them. But for me thursday was just going to be another thursday. I knew the family had some things planned, I would go along with the fun, but no big deal. I did sleep in because my wife was trying a new breakfast recipe, so that was a bonus. Later she brought me breakfast in bed too, bonus 2.

Skip forward to after work and school. My oldest daughter made an incredible Harley-Davidson looking birthday cake. Everyone gathered around to sing. At the end of the song, they sprayed me with silly string and smashed cake in my face. Everyone was laughing and having a great time, at my expense. The kids had put together a collage of pics in a big frame, which included the words DAD. My middle daughter made a slide show of silly pics inferring that I had messed up the kids, using as proof, a pic of me with a Viking helmet and no shirt on. It was all in good fun, and we all laughed as we watched it over and over. I did get some clothes which were needed after the silly string and cake in face incident, but overall my gifts probably didn’t cost much more than $100. The funny thing is, as birthdays go, this may have been the best. The family together, the homemade gifts, the laughing and frivolity, those were the best gifts of all.

On that day I was reminded of how good it is to be the dad, husband and king of this little kingdom. Score!