When the realization of our mortality was recently unfolded in front of me, it wasn’t a simple A-Ha moment, it was more like a slap in the face. The issues that have seemed so big and important over the last few years now are revealed to be the petty bullshit reasons for an argument they really were.
Rushing to the hospital, waiting for tests, and finally getting diagnoses was an emotional roller coaster. On the way to the hospital, I thought “what will I do without her”? This after all the fights, name calling, discussions and threats of leaving, and even talks with attorneys about divorce. I guess my first thoughts were selfish, about myself being alone. Eventually I began to think of the kids being without their mom, that was an even more fearful thought.
As the evening wore on and test results began to rule out the most serious of possible outcomes, I began to relax and to feel a closeness to her that I hadn’t felt in long time. I didn’t have a moment that I prayed and promised the world to God for her safety. I didn’t look into her eyes and beg for forgiveness of all that has gone on over the last few years. There wasn’t a clap of thunder or a lightening blast, I just looked at her and felt closer to her, connected somehow like we used to be. Maybe because of the stress our relationship has been under, that connection can never be the same, so maybe its a new kind of connection. Hell maybe she doesn’t even feel it herself. I just knew that when I looked at her sitting in her chair at 1:30 am just back from the hospital, that I was looking at her differently.
The next morning, the next day, and through this week, I have felt the same. I want to be with her for a very long time…eternity. And with that in mind, stupid little bullshit fighting over things I cant even remember now just doesn’t seem important. Will we never fight again? I’m sure we will. We are both to strong of people, but maybe now we can resolve rather than try to conquer. Make love not war sounds good to me.
I thank God he didn’t take her from me that night, that the thing that caused us to rush to the hospital is manageable and treatable. I am thankful that my eyes and heart have been opened to see the importance of having a wonderful loving wife by my side.
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