The Law of Attraction says, in a nutshell, if one focuses on what one wants, the universe will deliver it to them. I have been trying to incorporate this into my life for years now, with incredible success and bumbling failure simultaneously. My problem is that the successes come in the form of small, little items of no importance or consequence. But that which I need to come the most, the things which could make the biggest difference in my life and life of my family just seem to never come through.

I can be driving down the road day dreaming about some old movie, and without fail, a few days later that movie will be on HBO. I can think of an old friend and within days he contacts us on Facebook. The list goes on and on. But its a silly list. A list of things that at the end of the day may give someone an A-Ha moment, but doesn’t get me any further down the road. Is this really the Law of Attraction in action? According to the definition it is.

So what about the big things: A successful career, financial stability, peace and happiness? I swear to all that is Holy that I focus on, wish for, work for, and want for these so hard, with much more effort and fervor than any of those silly simple things that just seem to fall, well out of the universe, into my lap.

So why then, according to the Law of Attraction, do these things continue to allude me?

The only conclusion I can come to is that its me. I’m the only common denominator. How can I, with so little effort, attract things into my life, and in other areas, with so much effort, almost drive them away. What am I doing wrong? Are the things I’m asking for so big, in my mind, that my unconscious mind wont let me truly believe I can attain them? Are they so big, that I don’t have the faith I need to follow through? Do I revert back to my insecurities and believe that I don’t deserve them? How about all of the above. These never come into play with the stupid little things, because they don’t matter. On the big things, when it really matters, I’ve got to learn to have the same attitude: “I thought it, therefore it is”. No stupid second guessing. No worrying that something is too big, or unattainable. With this subject, I guess it is all about me.

When the realization of our mortality was recently unfolded in front of me, it wasn’t a simple A-Ha moment, it was more like a slap in the face. The issues that have seemed so big and important over the last few years now are revealed to be the petty bullshit reasons for an argument they really were.

Rushing to the hospital, waiting for tests, and finally getting diagnoses was an emotional roller coaster. On the way to the hospital, I thought “what will I do without her”? This after all the fights, name calling, discussions and threats of leaving, and even talks with attorneys about divorce. I guess my first thoughts were selfish, about myself being alone. Eventually I began to think of the kids being without their mom, that was an even more fearful thought.

As the evening wore on and test results began to rule out the most serious of possible outcomes, I began to relax and to feel a closeness to her that I hadn’t felt in long time. I didn’t have a moment that I prayed and promised the world to God for her safety. I didn’t look into her eyes and beg for forgiveness of all that has gone on over the last few years. There wasn’t a clap of thunder or a lightening blast, I just looked at her and felt closer to her, connected somehow like we used to be. Maybe because of the stress our relationship has been under, that connection can never be the same, so maybe its a new kind of connection. Hell maybe she doesn’t even feel it herself. I just knew that when I looked at her sitting in her chair at 1:30 am just back from the hospital, that I was looking at her differently.

The next morning, the next day, and through this week, I have felt the same. I want to be with her for a very long time…eternity. And with that in mind, stupid little bullshit fighting over things I cant even remember now just doesn’t seem important. Will we never fight again? I’m sure we will. We are both to strong of people, but maybe now we can resolve rather than try to conquer. Make love not war sounds good to me.

I thank God he didn’t take her from me that night, that the thing that caused us to rush to the hospital is manageable and treatable. I am thankful that my eyes and heart have been opened to see the importance of having a wonderful loving wife by my side.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to meet with a prospective client. He wanted to meet in the Bar/BBQ joint he owns. This usually isn’t a good environment to try to conduct business, but its what he wanted, so that’s where I met him. Of course he came out inwrangler jeans, and a cowboy hat. He at least lead me out of the bar into the restaurant for the meeting. After some idle chit chat we began discussing his finances. I quickly became aware that this humble cowboy was very very wealthy. He had accumulated several million dollars in real estate and restaurant businesses, all still doing very well. His “small” investment accounts at various brokerage houses had lost up to 60% of their value recently, but because they represented such a small percentage of his net worth, he didn’t seem to care. The reality, these “small” accounts are still 6 figures, all combined. When I congratulated him on his success, his response was “I’ve Been Lucky I Guess”.  I don’t know this guy personally, maybe he has demons worse than me, maybe not. But I would argue that at least in his business, professional life, this guy never heard of Murphy’s Law. I’ll bet he never self sabotaged a deal because deep down he didn’t feel like he deserved to be successful. I am not naive, I’m sure he has worked hard, he has probably had failed businesses, but I’ll bet that success finds him, luck finds him, because he believes it is his to have.

I am sure people look at me, maybe even this gentleman could be one of them, and say how lucky I am. I know I am blessed to have a wonderful family. I have beautiful children and grandchildren who are healthy and happy and bring me joy and happiness. I have a gorgeous wife who still loves me and supports me. I know I am lucky to have those things in my life, and I am thankful for them, so is it wrong to want more?

I want to be successful, to be lucky in business. I want to not only be these things, I want to expect these things, and have the faith, and knowledge that they will come to me. I want to start a year knowing that my goals will be met rather than feeling guilty and unworthy for even setting them in the first place. I want to meet with clients and surround myself with associates who have the same attitude. I want to have the feeling going into a project that: 1) I expect it to be successful and 2) I expect some good luck along the way. I can only imagine what a wonder feeling that would be. With the help of Sarah, and the support of family and friends, my “Might”, I look forward to achieving just that.

Maybe I’m not as popular as The Beatles, nor as rich, (not yet anyway) but I have done something that they did. I have hired a spiritual healer. Okay all you Mormon’s, especially those who know me…settle down. I haven’t completely gone off my rocker, or maybe I have, don’t judge me, ha ha almost got ya didn’t I.

So here is the thing, I needed something different than what I was getting at church. I didn’t want a different church, I didn’t want a different religion, I just needed more/different. Now some would say that it’s my fault, I’m only getting out of it what I’m putting into it. I can accept that argument to a point. In the scriptures, it talks about being hungry and getting fed. However, lets agree to not place blame, lets just agree that week after week my hunger was not being satisfied by what was being served at church.

I consider Santa Fe a spiritual place, I love going there. I enjoy just sitting in a quiet place and taking in the feeling of the area. However, its a 4 1/2 hour drive away. There is a place much closer, that provides, in my mind, a similar vibe, if not as profound. A couple of weeks ago, after feeling very low, very hungry, I decided to go to this place. I felt a little bit of healing would be better than none. Along the way, a sign caught my eye. A sign for a Psychic, a Spiritual Healer, etc. Almost by itself, my truck pulled into the driveway. I set up an appointment for a couple hours later, and left to go sit on a park bench and relax until I could see her.

Some background at this point may be in order. My wife used to go to a  psychic on a regular basis prior to our marriage. In fact, she was engaged when her psychic told her that she was to marry me. Its a long story, not as simple as I just made it sound, but here we are 20 years later. Even after that experience, I still didn’t believe in it, in fact I thought it to be kooky, silly, stupid and even evil. After much grief from me, my wife finally stopped seeing her psychic.

But here I was sitting on a couch with a woman claiming to be a psychic, a spiritual healer.  Now I was hungry, I was looking for something, would she take advantage? After some chit chat, and her piercing eyes looking into my soul. She sat back, and told me my life’s story. I was blown away. But more than that, she said she could help me. I was ecstatic. We talked about what would go on, what was expected, etc. Again, it sound kooky, silly and stupid. However, for the first time in a very long time I felt spiritually fed, so I knew it wasn’t evil. I agreed to follow her instructions, to do what she said. I left with a feeling of hope, of excitement, of newness. It was strange to have these feelings, they were so unfamiliar.

I would consider myself an intelligent person, and until a few days ago, one who could figure things out on his own. So in the words of the jackass himself, Dr Phil, I ask myself “How’s that working for you”? Well my new found spiritual leader, Sarah, says it like this. I let my thoughts and my intelligence get in the way of my feelings, I don’t listen to what my heart is telling me. When I told her about my problem with church and getting spiritually fed, she simply replied “God didn’t turn His back on you, you turned your back on Him”

Alright already enough rambling. Here is my point. Sarah explained it like this: She doesn’t work with voodoo, spells, or any of that kooky, silly crap I was so judgmental about. She said its all about the ENERGY. I have been so caught up in all the negative, depressing things going on in my life, that all I’m attracting is negative and depressing energy. Learn to deal with those things, but then let them go, let the energy go. Focus on the good, look for the good in all things, and good things, good energy, GOOD VIBRATIONS will come my way. And even better, not only can I focus on good energy coming my way, she can send me good energy, my wife can send me good energy, we can all send each other good energy, we can all focus our energy on a common goal.  Now for those Mormon’s still hanging to see if I’ve lost it; When the scriptures say with all your heart, might, mind, and strength, is not the true meaning of MIGHT that which I just described? I believe it is.

Again, I’m not The Beatles, but I told Sarah that I’m putting her on retainer. I want her to be available whenever I call. I even got carried away, I told her I wanted to make her available to my staff at work because I wanted to have my entire office feeling the energy.

P.S. For those who still don’t believe…as soon as I started to write this, Sarah sent me a text to ask how I was doing, said she was thinking about me. You can believe in her or not, I don’t care, but explain that Twilight Zone moment…do do do do, do do do do.

Good to be the KING

A few days ago it was my 42nd birthday.  I have always considered birthday’s a special day, but nothing too spectacular, at least not for me. My wife and I, especially her, have always tried to make the kids’ birthday’s a very special day for them. But for me thursday was just going to be another thursday. I knew the family had some things planned, I would go along with the fun, but no big deal. I did sleep in because my wife was trying a new breakfast recipe, so that was a bonus. Later she brought me breakfast in bed too, bonus 2.

Skip forward to after work and school. My oldest daughter made an incredible Harley-Davidson looking birthday cake. Everyone gathered around to sing. At the end of the song, they sprayed me with silly string and smashed cake in my face. Everyone was laughing and having a great time, at my expense. The kids had put together a collage of pics in a big frame, which included the words DAD. My middle daughter made a slide show of silly pics inferring that I had messed up the kids, using as proof, a pic of me with a Viking helmet and no shirt on. It was all in good fun, and we all laughed as we watched it over and over. I did get some clothes which were needed after the silly string and cake in face incident, but overall my gifts probably didn’t cost much more than $100. The funny thing is, as birthdays go, this may have been the best. The family together, the homemade gifts, the laughing and frivolity, those were the best gifts of all.

On that day I was reminded of how good it is to be the dad, husband and king of this little kingdom. Score!

I have not tried to cover up the mistakes I have made in my life. In fact I have confessed my sins, in the hopes of not only lightening the burden of carrying them around, but also, possibly helping others to learn from me, and not make the same mistakes I have made. Well how silly am I? In making my sin’s public, I have brought judgement upon my children. Now I can take judgement, in fact, I would expect it. By going public, by posting this blog, by asking for feedback, I would expect not only encouragement, but also harsh criticism. My answer to that; Bring it on. I want it all, the good and the bad. What I didn’t expect, what I didn’t want, was for my children to reap the whorl wind I created. My children are those whom I have tried to protect and keep out of all the turmoil. Now by trying to take steps to heal, to make amends with my wife, to make things right with her, and for her. To make our house a happy home again, my children, our most prized possessions are being asked to carry my burden for me. Those who sit in positions of authority; be it school, church, social, and even family, have decided to place judgement and blame upon my children because they are related to me. These are adults who should know better. Some of them stand and preach against the very thing they are doing on a weekly basis and call it religion. Some are close friends, or so I thought, who have known these kids for years, some are family who’ve known them their entire lifetime. School teachers, school activities leaders, coaches. The list goes on. I can move away from this community, and start over somewhere else. Give my kids a new start. The disappointing thing, it’s not my kid’s friends who are judging them, its the other adults in their lives. To them I would like to say: Shame on you, but Fuck You feels so much better.

We all grew up either watching MASH or its reruns. Did anyone ever know the name of the theme song? I’m not sure of the words, or for that matter the meaning of the song, but I damn sure know the name of the song. It’s “Suicide is Painless”. Now jump forward twenty years or so to the scene on the porch in “Dodge Ball” when the girl being hit on by the gross asshole says ” I just threw up in my mouth”. So my question to myself is this: Which one serves the greater good. What happens when you learn that you are the gross one that your wife has been putting up with for 20 years. What do you do when you discover that you are the one that is holding your family back from achieving greatness? Do you throw up in your mouth, or do you find the most painless way to end it all?

Why do people who are insecure about themselves (people like me) try to define others by their (by my) outlook on life? And what gives them (me) the right to not only define others in this way, but then to impose this definition upon others, and then judge them harshly if they don’t live up to the bullshit definition? Some examples: What is the definition of a good mother, a good wife, a good person? Who gets to decide upon those definitions? Do I get to set the standard of what it means to be a good wife or mother, and then impose that upon my wife? Do I get to judge her and sentence her if she doesn’t comply and/or live up to the standard/definition I set? What if I didn’t even discuss it with her, what if she didn’t even know what I expected, would it have mattered if she did? I look back after all these years of being with her and realize how big of a asshole I’ve been. I have tried to change her, mold her, cram her, and force her into the definition of what ever I felt the situation called for at the time. I have not allowed her to blossom as an individual and celebrate her own accomplishments. Want to know how sick this is? I’ve belittled her because she doesn’t like the same food as me, the same music as me. I’m a morning person, she’s not. How dare she go against me, that bitch! She doesn’t cook like me, so therefore inferior to me. Driving…please! But who has all the tickets and who has a clean record? I’ve even tried to define how she decorates the house, what the fuck do I know about decorating the house! Now its been said that the little things make the difference. All these examples I just mentioned taken alone could be defined as “little” things. Now add them all up over years and years and pile them on top of the big three: Bad Person, Bad Mother, Bad Wife! Now lets go back to the beginning, who died and left me in charge of deciding what it means to be a good person, a good mother, a good wife. Now that I’ve revealed my track record, its clear that I wouldn’t know my ass from a hole in the ground. So lets evaluate: A Good Person; She is constantly on the lookout to help others, she has a tender heart, she loves puppy dogs, she has faith in humanity, is positive all the time…sounds like a good person to me. A Good Mother; Kids are all happy, healthy, feed, clothed, spoiled, spoiled some more, loved, told they are loved daily, given hugs and kisses, held and cuddled when needed, disciplined when needed, supported in all they do, even if it means she misses out on things she wanted to do…sounds like a good mom to me. A Good Wife; She is still with me and trying to make things work, enough said.

For as long as I can remember I have felt guilty about something, everything. I get a call to come to see the coach, or the principle in high school, all I can think while walking to their office is “what have I done wrong”? “I’ve really done it this time”. And if you know me, you know that seldom if ever was I ever in trouble in school, or should I say disciplined. But the point is, 99% of the time I was being called for a conference on next weeks game, or to be asked about a fellow student and how I may help them out in some way. But again, I made it about me, (see previous post) because of the guilt that I continually felt. This has carried over to this day. My son strikes out in baseball and I feel guilty that I didn’t spent enough time practicing with him. Now a small amount of guilt may be good, so that if we have done something wrong, we will take the steps to make it right, but I feel guilty for things I’ve never done. I like to avoid the downtown area near the courthouse where all the attorneys offices and bail bondsman are. Everytime I see their offices,  signs, and advertisements, all I can think is “I better write that down, because when I get arrested I’ll need that”. I watch a show where a person gets arrested and put in prison and I think “I wonder if that’s what it will be like when I go to prison”. Now I’m not out prowling the streets at night, I’m not into any blood thirsty shit like sleeping in public parks (see The Cowboy Way), the IRS and I don’t see eye to eye, but that’s about it. So why do I feel this much guilt, especially about things I’ve never done, hell about things I don’t even know about, or about things I can’t even explain. My wife told me once to just let it go. Sounds simple and easy, great advise too. I’ve tried. Damn I’ve tried. It won’t go away. Does it come from a religious, up bring? I think in part it does. Besides the “church” teachings, I was in a classroom once receiving instruction as a very young boy with other children my age, when something very dramatic happened. I can’t remember what was going on, but I guess we weren’t listening. The teacher, a ladie, got all upset and stormed out off the room. A few minutes latter, a very big man, both in stature and in standing in the congregation, came in and gave us all a tongue lashing for several minutes on how BAD we were. I remember feeling guilty for making this poor ladie cry, and I that I was BAD and was going to hell for what I had done. Has that incident plagued me my entire life? If so how do I reverse the scares of those few minutes I experienced so long ago? I know this: A lot of the problems in my life stem from this guilt.

Time and time again, many arguments have resulted from what I now look back on as very easily resolvable situations, had I just realized that the situation was just simply NOT ABOUT ME!

Let me explain: For years I’ve been in sales, during that time, I’ve been told numerous times at sales conferences not to take the situation personally, especially if it isn’t going the way I want it to go, as in being rejected, blamed, or attacked. When I was in charge of training and recruiting, I said those same words dozens of times to new associates. Not long ago a client and his wife who had misunderstood part of the contract,  stormed into my office and began to really let me have it. For 15 minutes I let them vent their frustration, and displeasure with me, the company, the situation…bla bla bla. Finally when they ran out of steam, I calmly asked them if that was all, if there was anything else they were concerned about. They let me have it again; round two. This time for only 5 minutes or so. The whole time I remained calm, because branded upon my brain were those words “don’t take it personally”. After round two, I used my finely honed sales skills to understand their real concerns and resolve them. Within about 2o minutes, we had reviewed the contract, I had discretely pointed out the points they had misunderstood, they realized they had been the ones who had made the mistake, and we ended the meeting laughing about the entire situation. Now the ironic part: I’ve done this over and over and over again at work, but have my wife come to me with a concern or a situation that needs to be resolved, and the first thing I do? I take it personally! I feel as if she is rejecting, blaming,  or attacking me, the very things, that I so calmly sluff off at work. So in these situations with her, when there is something that needs to be discussed, a situation that needs to be resolved, no matter how big or small, why do those simple words “don’t take it personally” fail me? Here is an example of just how f@*#ing  stupid this is:  She can tell me how she “feels” about something. “I feel I need more help with….”. I turn this into an attack on me, blaming me for not being a good enough husband, and rejecting me for not being adequate enough for her. Sick huh? This then makes me feel hurt and angry, which then leads to me lashing out at her, because dammit, she was the one who attacked me in the first place right?!

I was watching a rerun of Seinfeld the other day, Elaine purchased a bag of gourmet coffee for George on a whim. As she walked off, George turned to Jerry and told him that Elaine was “stickin it to me, cause she makes more money than I do”. Jerry tried to explain it was a simple gesture from a friend, but George wouldn’t listen. I am a professional salesman at work, and an immature George at home. Is this a conscience decision? God help me if it is? But how else can it be explained. At work, its reflex, its automatic, I just act, by not reacting. I listen to the concern, I resolve it, I move on. No emotions are involved. At home its the exact opposite. A situation or concern is presented, I get emotional first, I react, then I turn it into a personal situation.

So where do I go from here? I practice what I have been practicing and preaching for years. I guess I just never made the connection before now. Skills that I spent so many years perfecting, are so easily used in more than one aspect of my life. My wife isn’t attacking or blaming me when she comes to me with a problem or a concern, she may even be asking for my help. I simply need to step back, understand her concern and address it. And understand “it’s not about me”! Unless it is, then….